Responsibility and Shame

Last week I was applying the 3 C’s and getting honest about whether I’m looking for a quick fix to my problems.  This week I’m looking at whether I feel responsibility and shame for others.

Then – 3/12/2004

“Journal question –In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

 

When someone I am close to is unhappy, I feel like I can help by listening or doing something for them.  I can repeat over and over that I am not responsible for other people’s moods or behaviors, but I always seem to fall into the trap of thinking that somehow I am responsible.  Here again the 3 C’s come into play.

Journal question – In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?

 

I feel embarrassed when people are unaware of the situation like ‘Carl’s’ alcoholism.  I’m much more comfortable when people know the truth; I feel like a burden is lifted off me because no one is looking to me for answers.  It probably is a blessing, like my Mom said, that ‘Carl’s’ uncle (also his employer) knows because now he can shoulder some of the burden.”

 Now – 6/26/11

About that time I heard the expression “the elephant in the living room” – that’s exactly how I felt about the secret of alcoholism.  Unlike many people who are dealing with the shame of alcoholism, I was actually uncomfortable in situations where people didn’t know what was going on.  I hated secrets and I felt like I wore a scarlet letter whenever I was around people who didn’t know what was happening in our lives.  Since I didn’t know the severity of ‘Carl’s’ addiction, I felt it was best to not let his uncle/boss in on his issues out of fear of losing his job.  However, looking back I can see that I wasn’t being true to my feelings because everyday there was a black ominous cloud hanging over me, yet I couldn’t bring myself to tell certain people for fear of what would happen.

I was so upset, for various reasons, the day ‘Carl’s’ uncle called me to tell me he knew the secret.  I was upset because I believed that I didn’t want him to find out and jeopardize ‘Carl’s’ job.  I was upset because I was blindsided by the phone call (‘Carl’ hadn’t told me that his uncle knew).  I was mostly upset because I was embarrassed about keeping a secret from someone so important in ‘Carl’s’ life.  Ironically I remember feeling a mixture of embarrassment and relief because it was one less person who had to squeeze into the living room with the elephant.

Another amazing saying I learned in Al-Anon at the time was “you’re only as sick as your secrets” – finally I was allowing the shame of my secret to dissipate with each truth that I told.

Next week – What brought you here?

The 3 C’s and a Quick Fix

Last week I was answering about how I respond.  This week I’m applying the 3 C’s and getting honest about whether I’m looking for a quick fix to my problems.

 

Then – 3/8/2004

 

“Journal question –How can I let go of other’s problems instead of trying to solve them?

 

The best way is for me to keep reminding myself that I am responsible only for myself.  I am not responsible for ‘Carl’s’ problems.  I have to keep repeating the 3 C’s – I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Change it, I can’t Cure it.

 

Journal question – Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems?  Is there one?

 

Emotionally, of course I’m looking for a quick fix.  Why would I want to belabor this torture?  But what I do need to focus on and remember is that in the midst of all this chaos ‘If I want peace, be peaceful.  If I want happiness, be happy’.  There is no quick fix.  Everyday I have the choice to wallow in it or not allow it to affect me.”

 

Now – 6/19/11

 

Ahhh….the 3 C’s.  One of the first life lines that I was given in Al-Anon.  At first I thought “Yeah right; I may not have caused it and I know I can’t cure it but if I put my mind to it, I can definitely change it”.  How wrong I was.  Not only are the people affected by someone else’s addiction taught the 3 C’s in Al-Anon but the addict is taught it in AA as well.  ‘Carl’ was VERY adamant for a long time that I caused his addiction.  When he would rage at me about how he felt I was to blame, I held onto the 3 C’s like a life preserver, keeping my head above water while I was being tossed around in the sea of insanity that alcoholism creates.  It often felt like a protective cloak for me because whenever he would start to play the blame game I would put on my cloak, repeat the 3 C’s and remind him that he knew I didn’t cause it.

 

As far as a quick fix, I’ve never been a patient person and at the time I just wanted to go to a few Al-Anon meetings, figure out the secret to getting him sober and move on with my life.  I had no idea that I would need and crave the wisdom of Al-Anon for the rest of my life.  Just the other day there was an argument between ‘Carl’ and I and I applied one Al-Anon tool after another to the situation until I felt at peace again.

 

Divorce doesn’t sever every connection you have with your ex spouse.  It often creates connections that weren’t even there during the marriage, especially when children are involved. Thankfully I was taught there is no quick fix to any difficulty, even divorce, and that I had choices.

 

Next week – Responsibility and shame

How Do I Respond?

Last week I was getting honest about the subjects of change and control.  This week I’m answering about how I respond?

 

Then – 3/6/2004

 

“Journal question –How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want?  How do I respond?

 

I am trying to let go of the need to control everything.  I’m trying to realize that ‘Carl’ is 100% responsible for himself.  However, I still find myself interfering and telling or ‘suggesting’ what to do when it comes to the kids.  In those cases when he is doing something that affects the kids, I have to step in.  They’re too young to speak up for themselves.  He doesn’t see how his words and behaviors affect them, especially ‘Erin’.  I get very annoyed and angry when I see him repeating the same behaviors over and over.  It’s not fair to any of us

 

Now – 6/12/11

 

I laughed out loud when I re-read this journal entry because it really showed how crazy things were at the time.  How did I respond?  One week I was frustrated because ‘Carl’ kept asking me over and over when to feed the kids and this week I was justifying my interfering, telling and suggesting what to do when it comes to the kids.  I can see now how confusing this must have been for him, sober or not.  ‘Carl’ lived in a childhood home with a very controlling and domineering mother so it was natural for him to allow a woman to tell him what to do.  I can see how torn I was at the time, wanting to give up the need to control things, especially ‘Carl’, and the false sense of security I got from pursuing control. 

 

The idea that, in my situation, control could possibly be a negative thing had never crossed my mind until I began to attend Al-Anon meetings.  I was too busy trying to keep everything together to realize that I was becoming part of the problem.  I spent most of my marriage pushing against the controlling nature of my mother-in-law yet I was falling into the same trap.  Thankfully I was becoming ready, willing and able to see a better way and to slowly allow ‘Carl’ to just be ‘Carl’.  By putting the focus on myself I became more of how I was meant to be as well.

 

Next week – The 3 C’s and a quick fix

Change and Control

Last week I was answering whether I have accepted that alcoholism is a disease.  This week I’m getting honest about the subjects of change and control.

 

Then – 3/6/2004

 

“Journal question – Have I tried to change others in my life?  What were the consequences?

 

I have a very strong personality and have a hard time dealing with things not going my way.  I have always been strong willed and stubborn.  I have definitely tried to change ‘Carl’ but I am realizing that it is a futile effort.  He is responsible for himself.  I just have a hard time living with someone who lied to me and whom I do not trust.

 

Journal question – What means have I used to get what I want and need?  What might work better to get my needs met?

 

I do try to control situations to get the results I want.  I will suggest certain things so that ‘Carl’ or anyone else will hopefully follow my suggestion.  I am also very independent and self sufficient.  I will do things for myself before asking for someone’s help.  In order to get my needs met, I should probably delegate more responsibility.   I need to be and feel less responsible for other people’s needs and wants and more responsible for my own.  If I need peace then I should be peaceful.  If I need fun and laughter then I should laugh and have fun.  For too long I have put ‘Carl’s’ needs before mine.  I have let his issues come before my happiness.  I’m always telling the kids ‘If you’re bored it’s because you’re boring’.  Well the same can apply to me; if I’m unhappy it’s because I’m choosing to not be happy.”

 

Now – 6/5/2011

 

Once again answering these questions allowed me to look at my part in my unmanageable situation.  I absolutely tried to change others in my life to mold them into what I wanted them to be.  I absolutely tried to control situations to get the results I wanted.  Boy was that humbling to admit!  I believed that ‘Carl’ was the only liar and manipulator in the relationship, that I was the poor victim and that I only did what was best for everyone else.  Whoa is me!  Then recovery came into my life in the form of Al-Anon.

 

They say that when you are pointing one finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you.  Until I was willing to own my part in things, accept my character defects and own them without justification, I was living in a fantasy world that wouldn’t help me to grow into a mature, empowered woman.

 

I was beginning to come to terms with things in a healthier way and I imagined myself standing up at a recovery meeting and saying “Hello my name is Dawn and I am finally willing to admit that my life has become unmanageable.  I take responsibility for my part in the dysfunction of my life and my marriage.  I humble myself to the fact that I need as much help as the alcoholic with my own disease; the disease of attitudes.”

 

Next week – How Do I Respond?

 

Is It Really a Disease?

Last week I was beginning to answer questions with the help of Al-Anon’s 12 Step recovery program.  This week I am answering whether I have accepted that alcoholism is a disease.

 

Then – 3/4/2004

 

“Al-Anon Journal question – Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?  How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

 

I have a really hard time with this concept of ‘disease’.  A disease is something that you ‘get’ not something you ‘do’ to yourself.  ‘Dr. Brody’ said that maybe it would be easier for me to understand it as a disease that can be controlled; that an alcoholic has control over whether they will succumb to the first drink, but once they give up that control the disease part takes over.  I can pretty much accept that explanation because it does contain the concept of choice in the definition.  Most ‘diseases’ do not give a person a choice; you don’t choose to have cancer one day and not the next day.  An alcoholic does choose to relapse therefore allowing the possibility of the disease to take over.”

 

Now – 5/29/2011

 

At the time I wrote that journal entry I was only just beginning to understand what alcoholism is.  As I’ve said before, I didn’t have alcoholism in my family of origin and I felt totally clueless.  But the most interesting thing happened when ‘Carl’ went to his first rehab facility – I talked to him about what I should say to people when they asked where he is.  He told me to tell them the truth.  The interesting thing is that every person who knew ‘Carl’ for the past few years and also had alcoholism in their family knew he was an alcoholic, without fail, and were surprised that I didn’t know.  Yet every person who knew ‘Carl’ and didn’t have alcoholism in their family was as shocked as I was.

 

I kept hearing in meetings that alcoholism was a disease which made me want to scream “Stop giving them an excuse!”  However today I have a much better understanding of alcoholism and I have much more compassion for the people dealing with this addiction.  I don’t pretend to know why ‘Carl’ became an alcoholic but I also cannot risk denying that it’s hereditary.  I have two teenage children who will eventually be the adult children of an alcoholic and I am concerned for them.  Have they inherited the disease?  Will their experience as children stop them from falling to peer pressure or make them more knowledgeable?  Will this generation of children being raised by parents that attended recovery programs have a better chance of breaking the cycle?

 

Time will tell.

 

Next week – Change and control

Step One

Last week things were pleasant and I hoped that they would continue.  This week I’m beginning to answer questions with the help of Al-Anon’s 12 Step recovery program.

Then – 3/2/2004

“Journal question – Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking?  Another person’s behavior?

I do accept that I cannot control ‘Carl’s’ drinking but that doesn’t mean that I like it or that I’m at peace with it yet.  His behavior still has an affect on me; if he’s upbeat I wonder what’s going on; if he’s down I wonder what I did now or what’s bothering him.  I need to keep repeating the 3 C’s to myself:

                   I didn’t cause it

                   I can’t control it

                   I can’t cure it

Journal question – How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

I think I still have a hard time removing myself from the equation.  It’s hard to stop wondering why he’s in the mood he’s in and if it has to do with me;  stop worrying about how he’s behaving and look at myself to see how I’m behaving.  Am I being true to myself?  Am I letting someone else affect my behavior, thoughts and feelings?  It doesn’t mean that I do not have compassion for anyone; it should mean that I have no control over the good or bad that is going on with them.”

Now – 5/22/2011

It’s amazing how the universe sends you a message through various people and each time you ignore the message, someone else shows up to repeat it.  People had mentioned that I should go to Al-Anon and my answer was “He should be going to meetings, not me.  I don’t have a problem other than his problem.”  So I fought the idea, assumed that I was smart enough to figure this all out on my own and ignored every suggestion.  Then my therapist mentioned Al-Anon and my mother and a friend and……so eventually I went to my first meeting to shut everyone up.  7 years later I can say that the program saved my life.

Answering those questions in my journal was the beginning of learning to keep the focus on myself, the end of my role as a victim and the end of my belief that I could handle everything on my own.  If I was answering a question about what I believed or thought or felt, I wasn’t totally focused on him….ah ha!

I was slowly admitting to myself that my life had become unmanageable and I was willing to take a look at what worked for other people in similar situations.

Next week – Is it really a disease?

I Hope It Continues

Last week I had the conversation I had no intention of having.  This week things are pleasant and I hope it continues.

Then – 2/25/2004

“Things have actually been pleasant.  I can see him appreciating the kids so much more.  He’s giving them hugs, telling them he loves them, playing games with them.  I hope it continues for their sake.  I’m just leery because for the 2 weeks after he came home (he spent two weeks at his mother’s house when I found out his secret), he was upbeat also and then gradually he went down hill all over again.  Hopefully now he sees that we should be concentrating on raising the kids in the best environment possible.  They don’t need the stress, tension, fighting or the excuses about why Daddy seems upset or is falling asleep a lot.  I think this is in the best interest of the kids and I’m willing to put my feelings aside to provide them with stability.  The big question is whether he can do this without any expectations from me?”

Now – 5/15/2011

I was looking for any ray of hope that I could keep the family intact for the sake of the kids, putting my feelings and needs aside.  There had been so many dark days that it never felt like there would be anything positive to be happy about.  Reading that journal entry now, it might seem like I was always seeing things in a negative light, afraid that this moment of pleasantness was fleeting but based on my experiences for many years, bracing myself was how I learned how to cope.  My coping skills kept me going day by day and only in retrospect can I see that they didn’t always serve me well. 

I didn’t have alcoholism in my family of origin so I honestly had no idea what I was dealing with.  Were the ups and downs normal?  Was his behavior an indication of drinking?  Was it normal to ignore the feelings of doom?  Thankfully I began attending Al-Anon meetings around this time and began to make sense of the ripple effects of alcoholism on everyone’s lives.  As most people do, I went to my first meeting to find out what the secret was to dealing with an alcoholic and found out that I wasn’t supposed to be focusing on him at all. 

Next week – Step One

No Intention of Having This Conversation

Last week I was faced with another option.  This week I have the conversation I had no intention of having.

Then – 2/23/2004

“Wow!  Last night was explosive!  We were sitting watching tv after the kids went to bed.  I could tell he had something he wanted to say because he kept making a sound with his lips.  Finally when he did say it, all hell broke loose.  His comment was ‘I know you’re mad at me and that things have not been going well, but do you think we could have sex?’  It took me a few minutes to compose myself and give him an answer.  I asked him what he really thought my answer would be and if he knew it would be NO then why ask and get rejected?  I explained for the 100^th time how I feel.  I reminded him that he even said he knows I don’t love him.  Did he forget that?  I have been very honest with him.  I just don’t think he was listening.

The more I talked about how I feel the more he asked if it was over between us.  I told him that I’m seeing ‘Dr. Brody’ in order to figure out what I want.  He seemed confused about that so I repeated it.  He kept pushing the fact that he loves me and wants things to work and I kept feeling more and more smothered, helpless and claustrophobic.  Finally I talked to him about staying together in the house for the kids; about having NO expectations of me and just focusing on getting himself better and providing the best life we can for the kids.  I explained that we need to come to some sort of agreement.  If the agreement doesn’t work for either of us then we have to have a backup plan for a separation.  I talked about how I don’t trust him and how every time I question his drinking and he freaks out, I trust him less.  He still doesn’t get it!  He started yelling about how all he did was get milk at 7-Eleven.  I explained that he needs to be an open book and be accountable. He drove my kids around drunk for 2 years without my knowledge; he doesn’t get to be defensive now.

We talked (or I should say I did 95% of the rational talking) about a lot.  But the bottom line is that I had no intention of having this conversation with him until after I had seen ‘Dr. Brody’ again.  Unfortunately it came up and I had to address it.  I feel like a weight is off my shoulders.  We’ll see what each day brings.”

Now –5/8/2011

I may have had no intention of having that conversation but there are no mistakes in the universe; the conversation happened for a reason.  I know I would have felt more comfortable talking to my therapist a little more about the other option we had discussed but all the talking in the world wouldn’t have changed the fact that he wanted to fix the marriage, be close again, erase the lies and I wanted to end the marriage with the least amount of damage to my children.  In our own ways, we were both in denial, thinking that someone else held the answer to our problems.

Many times I didn’t want to create tension in the house and affect the kids so I bottled things up, talked about them with safe people or journaled about my thoughts and feelings.  That night was like an explosive opening of a sealed deep tunnel.  The things that were at the surface of my mind came pouring out.  I could see that he wasn’t accepting what I was saying so I didn’t belabor the point.  I’m glad the conversation happened but I also know that I needed to learn to not bottle things up or look for answers outside of myself.  One of the many lessons I would continue to learn.

Next week – I hope it continues

Another Option

Last week I had a sneaking suspicion that my journal had been read.  This week I am faced with another option.

Then – 2/22/2004

“I went to see ‘Dr. Brody’.  It was good to see her even though I was nervous.  I explained what’s been going on the past 2 years since we saw each other last (she was the marriage counselor for ‘Carl’ and I).  We talked about how ‘Carl’s’ alcoholism has affected me.  She asked what I wanted and we talked about a separation.  She said that another option could be to have him stay in the house as long as he followed some rules.  If he broke a rule, he would have to leave. 

I’ve been thinking about what she suggested; I guess the rules are things that would make it easier for me to live with him.  I’ve been thinking it over and I’ve come up with some things:

1. He would need to know that I’m ready for a separation but I’ll make this choice if he understands exactly how I feel.  We will be living together to raise our children.  No expectations at all.
2. If he drinks, he’s out immediately.
3. We need to discuss alcoholism with the kids and take ‘Erin’ and ‘Dan’ to Al-Anon meetings.
4. He needs to work on the house and keep busy.
5. He needs to continue to work at his job and not make excuses to take off.
6. He needs to have a backup plan for where he would go if this option doesn’t work .
7. He has to continue getting therapy and taking care of himself.
8. He needs to be accountable.”

 

Now –5/1/2011

Wow that’s quite a list!  I now know why my therapist suggested that I try this option; she had known me for many years and, although we hadn’t seen each other for a 2 year period, she knew I was having a very difficult time coming to terms with the decision I needed to make.  This was an in-between step; a precursor to the decision to stay married or get divorced.  She was providing me with an option that didn’t feel like “all or nothing”.  At the time it felt like the right thing to consider.

When I wrote that list, I truly felt that IF he could do all the things on the list then everything would be fine.  Denial can play some interesting mind games.  I see now that I was once again putting myself in the role of parent and giving my “child” his rules; abide by the rules or you’ll be punished.  Except punishment wasn’t being sent to his room, it was leaving his home.  I can see now that this wasn’t fair to him or to me; I just wasn’t ready to make a clear cut decision.

Thankfully I had started to attend Al-Anon meetings and was slowly discovering the nature of my wrongs, my character defects, the awareness of my part in things, that I wasn’t a victim and how I had to keep the focus on myself and my own recovery.

Next week – No intention of having this conversation

Sneaking Suspicion

Last week I was questioning what the statistics are for my children’s emotional stability.  This week I have a sneaking suspicion that my journal has been read.

Then – 2/21/2004

“I have a sneaking suspicion that ‘Carl’ has been reading this journal.  He’s been caught reading it before.  If he’s reading this then let me say one thing – JERK haven’t you given me enough reasons to not trust you?!  You will NEVER have my trust back if you pull s*&t like this.  You try to listen in on conversations I’m having on the phone; you’re reading my journal!  If you are that desperate to keep the family together then why do you do such destructive things?!  You continue to make terrible choices and you hate living with the consequences – go figure”

Now – 4/24/2011

If you’ve ever written in a journal or a diary you know how vulnerable you feel.  It becomes a sacred text in a way, documenting your every thought and allowing you to express yourself in a way that is often impossible when talking to other people.  Sharing your deepest, darkest feelings on paper is like shining a light in the room of your soul. 

With that said, I was living with a liar and a manipulator so I was VERY aware of where I placed my journal, how I saved the next page, the subtle nuances that only the author of the journal would be aware of.  So when I had a sneaking suspicion that he was reading my journal I was torn between stopping my writing, confronting him, setting a trap for him, etc.  The funny thing looking back on that time is that it really didn’t matter what I wrote in a private journal or said directly to his face, he was in denial about our situation.  He was looking for a treasure map in my journals, trying to discover answers that I was already telling him in our conversations; the problem was, he wasn’t listening and was harming things even more by not giving me my private space to get clear about my thoughts.  I was so distraught at the time that I started writing from the back of the black and white notebooks that I used as my journal, this way when he opened the front there would be various insignificant things written but not my true thoughts.  It seems silly now to go to such lengths to outwit him but it gave me a small piece of mind and sense of control over my world.

I’ve come a long way since then.  I still journal everyday but my books are left by my writing chair for anyone who feels the need to enter my world.  I’m no longer worried about my deepest, darkest thoughts because they’re a part of my wonderfully empowered life.

Next week – Another option