Trusting Again

Last week I was looking at the difference between pity and love. This week I’m getting in touch with my feelings.  

Then – 4/17/2004

“Journal question – Do I trust my own feelings?  Do I know what they are?  

Good question!  My feelings are so up and down right now.  I’m thankful that I can talk my feelings through with ‘Dr. Brody’ because a lot of times I will feel a certain way about something and she’ll help me to see a different way to look at it.  I am trying to be more honest about my feelings.  But really, the question is whether I trust my feelings.  After what I’ve been through I don’t know if I trust my feelings or my judgment.  I will only be able to trust my feelings and my judgment after time has passed and I can trust myself and others again.

Now – 9/11/11

After reading this journal entry, I can’t help but smile.  They say you will keep repeating the lessons over and over again until you “get it”; first as a whisper, then as a problem and finally as a full blown crisis.  My mistake during that time was thinking that my lesson was about trusting others so that I could trust my feelings and my judgment again.  I’ve had friends cry in anger and disbelief that their first post-divorce relationship was with a liar and manipulator just like their alcoholic ex.  I completely understand the assumption that “God couldn’t possibly give me another dysfunctional relationship to deal with after I was just married to an alcoholic?  This cannot be!”  However, I am living proof that until you learn the real lesson, the teachers will keep appearing in your life.

My first serious post-divorce relationship was with a lying, manipulating, cheating individual who’s job was to protect and serve his town as well as his country.  When I was hit with the reality of what had been happening behind my back, I had the same reaction as my friends.  Once the dust settled I had the “aha” moment that years of therapy had been preparing me for.  My therapist had once told me “Don’t have faith in other people because no one is perfect.  Have faith in yourself that no matter what happens, you’ll be able to handle it.”

I finally got the lesson – to trust that, no matter what happens, I will be fine.  The ultimate act of faith has been in me and in a higher power that lovingly provided the lessons and the teachers.