Trusting Again

Last week I was looking at the difference between pity and love. This week I’m getting in touch with my feelings.  

Then – 4/17/2004

“Journal question – Do I trust my own feelings?  Do I know what they are?  

Good question!  My feelings are so up and down right now.  I’m thankful that I can talk my feelings through with ‘Dr. Brody’ because a lot of times I will feel a certain way about something and she’ll help me to see a different way to look at it.  I am trying to be more honest about my feelings.  But really, the question is whether I trust my feelings.  After what I’ve been through I don’t know if I trust my feelings or my judgment.  I will only be able to trust my feelings and my judgment after time has passed and I can trust myself and others again.

Now – 9/11/11

After reading this journal entry, I can’t help but smile.  They say you will keep repeating the lessons over and over again until you “get it”; first as a whisper, then as a problem and finally as a full blown crisis.  My mistake during that time was thinking that my lesson was about trusting others so that I could trust my feelings and my judgment again.  I’ve had friends cry in anger and disbelief that their first post-divorce relationship was with a liar and manipulator just like their alcoholic ex.  I completely understand the assumption that “God couldn’t possibly give me another dysfunctional relationship to deal with after I was just married to an alcoholic?  This cannot be!”  However, I am living proof that until you learn the real lesson, the teachers will keep appearing in your life.

My first serious post-divorce relationship was with a lying, manipulating, cheating individual who’s job was to protect and serve his town as well as his country.  When I was hit with the reality of what had been happening behind my back, I had the same reaction as my friends.  Once the dust settled I had the “aha” moment that years of therapy had been preparing me for.  My therapist had once told me “Don’t have faith in other people because no one is perfect.  Have faith in yourself that no matter what happens, you’ll be able to handle it.”

I finally got the lesson – to trust that, no matter what happens, I will be fine.  The ultimate act of faith has been in me and in a higher power that lovingly provided the lessons and the teachers.

The Difference Between Pity and Love

Last week I was looking at whether I feel more alive in a crisis.  This week I’m looking at the difference between pity and love.

Then – 4/10/2004

“Journal question – What is the difference between pity and love?

To feel pity for someone is to feel bad for them without having a strong emotional attachment.  I can feel pity for people I read about or hear about.  When you feel pity it’s because you feel sorry for the person, but there isn’t anything you can do to help them.  When you love someone you want to help them however you can. Pity seems detached.  I guess I do feel pity for ‘Carl’ because I no longer am in love with him and feel more and more detached from his problems.  Love is an investment.  Pity is more fleeting.

Now – 8/28/11

Rereading this journal entry, I wasn’t sure where I was going with my answer to the question until I got to the end.  Pity had replaced love in my marriage and no amount of therapy was going to bring love back for me.  The transitional moment where love turned to pity is difficult to pinpoint but I do remember one particular incident.  A requirement for dismissal from the first alcohol rehabilitation facility ‘Carl’ attended was that I join in on a counseling session with ‘Carl’ and his counselor.  After agreeing, I had no idea what to expect.  The counselor briefly discussed what he had been working on with ‘Carl’ during his 30 day in-house treatment and then asked ‘Carl’ if there was anything he’d like to say.  The only thing ‘Carl’ wanted to know was whether our marriage was able to be saved.  No mention of his addiction, any realizations he had while away from his children for 30 days in the treatment facility, his plan for abstinence, even an apology for what he had put us through.  After hearing what he wanted to know, the first emotion I felt was pity.  He was clueless about why we had attended couple’s counseling for a year and a half and the fact that it didn’t help.  He was in denial about the damage his secret of alcoholism had done to our family.  He was missing the point that sobriety was needed in order to save his life, not our marriage.

Since that day I have had many emotions regarding my marriage, divorce, alcoholism and the person ‘Carl’ still chooses to be. Some days it’s pity, other days it’s detachment.  For the sake of my children I continue to attempt civility towards their father because I love them and it’s important to them.  Thankfully love is an investment and pity is fleeting.

Saying “Yes” When I Mean “No”

Last week I was addressing how I’ve sought approval and affirmation from others.  This week I’m addressing when I say “Yes” but want to say “No”.

 

Then – 4/2/2004

 

“Journal question – Do I say “Yes” when I want to say “No”?  What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

 

It isn’t until I’ve said yes and then I am fully involved in something that I realize how stressful everything is becoming.  This year in particular has been tough because I said yes to being one of the 6^th grade coordinators with Tammy and unfortunately Tammy’s life has been turned upside down with her divorce and my life has been turned upside down with ‘Carl’s’ alcoholism.  I have tried my best to delegate as much as I can.  Right now I am trying to really finish out the school year with grace and sanity.  I will try to learn my lesson to say “no” because my life has become unmanageable.”

 

Now – 7/24/11

 

They say you will keep repeating experiences until you learn the lessons you are meant to learn.  It took awhile for me to learn how to say no without feeling guilty.  At the time I wrote the above journal entry I was using “busyness” to escape the reality at home.  I should have never taken on the job of 6^th grade coordinator because it was a tremendous undertaking for just one person however I felt that it would keep me focused on something other than the collapse of my marriage.  I was saying yes as an act of avoidance.

 

I have come a long way with this issue because the lessons kept showing up over and over.  When I heard the phrase “No is a full sentence” I felt like I was finally given permission to say no, without guilt. 

 

I have learned to check my motives now before I answer yes to a request.  I have learned to ask myself whether this is a “should” or a “want”, allowing only wants to determine a yes answer.  I have learned that saying no to someone or something is often the kindest thing I can do for myself, which has been the purpose of the lessons after all.

Approval and Affirmations

Last week I was noticing who has expressed concern about my behavior and the recognition of when my life is unmanageable.  This week I’m addressing how I’ve sought approval and affirmation from others.

 

Then – 3/27/2004

 

“Journal question – How have I sought approval and affirmations from others?

 

I have always been in need of my parent’s approval.  Even though I can be very independent, there’s always that nagging part of me that peaks around the corner to see if they approve of what I did or said.  I don’t feel comfortable unless I feel they at least understand what I am doing.  I am also guilty of monitoring what I say to other people to get their approval.  I don’t always speak my mind for fear of what the other person would feel or say.  But I rationalize it by saying that I choose my battles.  There are situations where I feel very strongly and will argue my point.”

 

Now – 7/17/11

 

The wonderful thing about rereading a journal is to see your progress in certain areas of your life.  Seeking approval is definitely an area that I have worked on over the years.  I can now see that many of the issues I had back when that journal entry was written were due to low self-esteem.  I was looking for validation outside of myself because I wasn’t totally happy and trusting myself.  That journal entry was brutally honest because at 38 years old I was still looking for my parent’s and other people’s approval. 

 

What eventually changed for me was learning to trust myself and asking my higher power for guidance.   In Al-Anon I was taught to act “as if” I had a connection to a power greater than myself until I actually had the connection.  I listened in meetings and borrowed other people’s faith until I had enough of my own experiences.  Once I felt that connection I gained the self esteem I needed to not seek approval and affirmations from others.  I trusted that the answers would come to me in due time and I gave myself the validation that I was looking for.  I still might ask other people’s opinions but they finally don’t matter as much as my own.

Concern About My Behavior?

Last week I was sharing what brought me into Al-Anon.  This week I’m noticing who has expressed concern about my behavior and the recognition of when my life is unmanageable.

 

Then – 3/20/2004

“Journal question – Who has expressed concern about my behavior?  My health?  My children?  Give examples.

 

The people closest to me have expressed concern like my family and Tricia.  My mom has expressed concern about everything regarding me and the kids.  My mother has finally come to terms with the fact that I am not in love with ‘Carl’ and that we are living together for the sake of the kids.  She’s concerned about my needs, but for now, my needs involve giving the kids some normalcy.  Tricia has expressed concern about me and the kids, but especially for my sanity and happiness.

Journal question – How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

 

When I can’t find time for myself to read, nap, laugh.  I can take on a lot of responsibility but when I don’t make time for myself, I feel agitated and overwhelmed.  I have been learning for awhile how to manage things myself because emotionally and physically ‘Carl’ has not been ‘all there’.  I think things might become unmanageable when I can’t remove myself from his situation; when I get brought down by it.  I can juggle all the balls I have in the air but his problems can sometimes bump into me and cause me to drop some.  I need to stay focused on what needs to get done and how to make myself happy.”

Now – 7/10/11

In retrospect, the question about my behavior is interesting.  I answered that question from the perspective of my friends and family worrying about my needs, not my behavior, because I don’t think that I thought my behavior warranted concern from an outsider’s perspective.  However, inside I was feeling like a basket case; I just didn’t let it show.  I was slowly hitting a rock bottom that I did not recognize was happening.

The fact that I felt my behavior was hiding what was really going on inside of me completely ties into the next question regarding my life being unmanageable.  I can see now that everyone’s definition of ‘unmanageable’ is as unique as the situation and the people involved.  There have been times when people have been shocked that I was able to handle a situation so calmly and then there have been times when I’ve broken down over something seemingly small. 

Getting honest with myself was the first important step and then letting people know what I was really feeling was the next.   I understand much more about myself and how to handle difficulties because of all the clarity I received in Al-Anon.

What Brought You Here?

Last week I was looking at whether I feel responsibility and shame for others.  This week I’m sharing what brought me into Al-Anon.

 

Then – 3/14/2004

 

“Journal question – What brought me into Al-Anon?  What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

 

I came to Al-Anon kicking and screaming because I didn’t want to go.  I felt that I shouldn’t have to go to meetings if he’s the one with the problem.  My mother and ‘Dr. Brody’ convinced me to go and I’m glad I did.  It really is a very spiritual place and I can see how much it has helped the women in their everyday lives, not just in dealing with the alcoholic.  I’ve really heard some horrible things and have ironically been grateful that my situation isn’t as bad as theirs.  There are women from all walks of life.  There is even a man whose wife is an alcoholic and had to be sent away.  I’m hopefully learning how to help myself and the kids, which is exactly what I want out of the program right now.  I want to make a better life for us in spite of ‘Carl’s’ alcoholism.  I would also like to eventually get the kids involved so that they can better understand alcoholism and how it can affect them, especially ‘Dan’ since he is now the son of an alcoholic and has a four times greater chance of becoming one himself.  Hopefully with the knowledge we’ll all gain, he can make better choices when he’s older”.

 

 

Now – 7/3/11

 

Last week I had to present my first speech at a Toastmasters meeting.  The beginning of the speech was “Hi everyone, my name is Dawn and I am so happy that I married an alcoholic. I know that might shock some of you, but let me explain.”  I went on to explain that alcoholism has actually been the key to the authentic life I live today.  The reason for that is Al-Anon.

 

Looking back on the journal entry above, I can remember attending meetings to try to figure out how to fix my ex-husband.  What I got instead was the most powerfully spiritual, self help program I had ever experienced. I was taught how to let go of my false sense of control, reminded to keep the focus on myself, encouraged to keep my side of the street clean and  introduced to a Power greater than myself.  Although my marriage didn’t last, I continued to go to Al-Anon because I was learning a new healthy way to live and I was applying the lessons to every area of my life.

 

My experience in Al-Anon, the opportunity to help others in their recovery from the effects of alcoholism and my own divorce experience has led me to go back to school and become a certified life coach specializing in divorce recovery.

 

I have been able to take the darkest period of my life and use it to help others with their journey. 

 

I would never wish alcoholism and the damage it creates on anyone, but if that’s what it took for me to have the authentic life I have today, then I really am happy that I married an alcoholic.

Responsibility and Shame

Last week I was applying the 3 C’s and getting honest about whether I’m looking for a quick fix to my problems.  This week I’m looking at whether I feel responsibility and shame for others.

Then – 3/12/2004

“Journal question –In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

 

When someone I am close to is unhappy, I feel like I can help by listening or doing something for them.  I can repeat over and over that I am not responsible for other people’s moods or behaviors, but I always seem to fall into the trap of thinking that somehow I am responsible.  Here again the 3 C’s come into play.

Journal question – In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?

 

I feel embarrassed when people are unaware of the situation like ‘Carl’s’ alcoholism.  I’m much more comfortable when people know the truth; I feel like a burden is lifted off me because no one is looking to me for answers.  It probably is a blessing, like my Mom said, that ‘Carl’s’ uncle (also his employer) knows because now he can shoulder some of the burden.”

 Now – 6/26/11

About that time I heard the expression “the elephant in the living room” – that’s exactly how I felt about the secret of alcoholism.  Unlike many people who are dealing with the shame of alcoholism, I was actually uncomfortable in situations where people didn’t know what was going on.  I hated secrets and I felt like I wore a scarlet letter whenever I was around people who didn’t know what was happening in our lives.  Since I didn’t know the severity of ‘Carl’s’ addiction, I felt it was best to not let his uncle/boss in on his issues out of fear of losing his job.  However, looking back I can see that I wasn’t being true to my feelings because everyday there was a black ominous cloud hanging over me, yet I couldn’t bring myself to tell certain people for fear of what would happen.

I was so upset, for various reasons, the day ‘Carl’s’ uncle called me to tell me he knew the secret.  I was upset because I believed that I didn’t want him to find out and jeopardize ‘Carl’s’ job.  I was upset because I was blindsided by the phone call (‘Carl’ hadn’t told me that his uncle knew).  I was mostly upset because I was embarrassed about keeping a secret from someone so important in ‘Carl’s’ life.  Ironically I remember feeling a mixture of embarrassment and relief because it was one less person who had to squeeze into the living room with the elephant.

Another amazing saying I learned in Al-Anon at the time was “you’re only as sick as your secrets” – finally I was allowing the shame of my secret to dissipate with each truth that I told.

Next week – What brought you here?

Endings and beginnings

Then – 12/28/04

“Ah, a new journal to write in.  What a year this has been.  I hope to look back on it years from now and have a better understanding of it all.  I know I will look back and see that I handled myself with grace and dignity.  I have been strong.  I have risen to the challenge and have come out of the chaos with an even better understanding of myself.  I can deal with things I never thought possible”

Now – 1/30/11

How prophetic to read that journal entry over 6 years later from the place I am in today.  In the above journal entry I was referring to the insanity of my life at the time.  I had found out after 13 years of marriage that my husband was hiding an alcohol addiction for the last few years.  Prior to finding out his secret, we had gone to marriage counseling for over a year and unfortunately nothing changed for me – I didn’t love or trust my husband for many reasons.  I had resigned myself to the idea of living together for the sake of our two children.  I wasn’t happy about it but I didn’t feel there was any choice.  At the time, divorce wasn’t an option in my mind.  When I wrote that journal entry I was trying to recover from the effects of my husband’s addiction by going to my own recovery program.  I was beginning to learn the tools of recovery and coming to terms with the challenges I was continuing to face.  I was unhappily married and living one day at a time.

My happily ever after was ending but thankfully a new and improved woman was emerging.

Next week – “What’s the focus?”