Last week I was looking at taking care of others and myself. This week I’m looking at whether I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis.
Then – 4/8/2004
“Journal question – How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continuously anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I hope that I honestly don’t feel more alive in the midst of a crisis. I’m always searching for ways to have peace. I hope I’m not kidding myself because ‘Carl’s’ mother is the type of person who lives for a crisis and I don’t want to be anything like her! I think there’s a big difference between someone who can handle a crisis and someone who looks forward to a crisis in order to feel more important.”
Now – 8/7/11
The addiction to crisis is very real and very powerful. It goes hand in hand with addiction to drama. It can suck you in like a drug and is very difficult to detect in yourself. When I was dealing with the craziest part of my divorce I felt like I had no choice but to deal with each crisis as they arose and stay as calm and rational as possible. That’s what I tried to do but I wasn’t always successful.
Living with an alcoholic made every minute of every day feel like a crisis just waiting to happen. Living with the unpredictability of divorce felt the same way. With the help of Alanon I was able to learn to lean on a Power greater than myself to restore me to sanity and to gradually let go of the white knuckled grip I had every day. Even when peace had finally come to my home, the sense of dread that spread into my thoughts continued. I was concerned that I was becoming addicted to crisis because I felt that at least I had a familiar “enemy” to face. Peace and calm were so foreign that I wasn’t sure that I knew what to do with them. As the alcoholic is told to attend 90 meetings in 90 days to adhere to sobriety, it took me just as long to recover from crisis and drama addiction and to welcome an addiction free life.
It took awhile but I finally realized that I do not need to accept drama in my life. I have declared my home a “drama-free zone” and I do whatever is within my control to keep it that way. In the process some relationships have had to change and some have had to end but one thing has stayed constant – I have choices today and I choose peace, serenity and sanity.
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