Spiritual Guidance

Last week was beginning to answer questions about Step Two – “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”.  This week I am addressing whether I sense spiritual guidance in my life.

Then – 4/24/2004

“Journal question – Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?  How?

I do feel like someone is watching over me.  I have definitely been blessed in my life.  There are so many things that, if they had been different, I would not be the person I am today.  I’ve learned to believe that it isn’t coincidence that we either meet certain people or have certain people in our lives.  Every encounter offers us a lesson to learn, whether we want to or not.  I think it is true spiritual enlightenment to be able to see what lesson we are supposed to be learning in a given situation.  But I have a sense that someone is guiding me.  Ever since Momma (grandmother) died I always believe that she is my guide; my guardian angel.  Every time something good comes my way I think to myself ‘Momma had something to do with it’.  I guess believing that makes it more personal.”

Now – 10/23/11

I have often said that I found God in Al-Anon.  What I mean is that I found the true meaning of spirituality, connection and higher purpose in the meetings, people, readings and teachings of Al-Anon.  I had been on a spiritual quest for most of my life but it took alcoholism to bring me to my answers. 

The sense of spiritual guidance has been one of the greatest gifts of the program; I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, even more so than I did 7 years ago when I wrote that journal answer, that I have an incredibly strong connection with my Higher Power.  What my divorce recovery journey has shown me is that I was meant to learn many lessons in my marriage and in my divorce.  My ex-husband has been one of my greatest teachers.  The main lesson that I believe I was meant to learn before, during and after my marriage is that I can have faith in myself to be able to handle anything that happens.  Ironically the greatest gift my ex-husband gave me was the reason to go to Al-Anon and become the spiritual person I’ve always longed to be.

Step Two

Last week I was getting in touch with my feelings. This week I’m beginning to answer questions about Step Two – “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” 

Then – 4/19/2004 

“Journal question – What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time? 

Honestly, I want to believe that there is a God; a divine force that created everything and loves us unconditionally.  I do believe we have the power of free will and God has nothing to do with the choices we make.  We are usually given the tools we need to deal with life; we just have to pay attention.  I do try to listen and pay attention when things happen, when people say certain things or I read something because I don’t believe in coincidence.  I believe God gives us hints or clues; maybe we have guardian angels with us all the time to poke us a little when we need to pay attention.  I believe that a Higher Power is the actual relinquishing of the control we think we have.  The Higher Power is the act of letting go.  It’s like just letting something else take over the fear, pain, worry, anger, etc. in a situation where we have no control of the outcome.” 

Now – 9/25/11

The most amazing thing I can say about learning Step Two is that “I found God in Al-Anon”.  I had searched my whole life for a spiritual understanding and connection, trying to find it in church, books or any other medium I could think of.  I didn’t come into Al-Anon believing in a power greater than myself; I wanted to believe, but I wasn’t quite there yet.  The most amazing thing I learned in the meetings was that I didn’t have to believe anything; I could “act as if”, if I wanted to or I could borrow other people’s faith until I got my own.  So that’s what I did for awhile, until I had my big “aha” moment. 

My “aha” moment came at the time I was involved in a dysfunctional situation and torn about what to do.  I had been asking for guidance and surrendering the results for months.  In the most inexplicable series of events I’ve ever experienced, I received the information I needed and in that moment, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had a Higher Power watching over me.  

When I look back I can see that the events leading up to my divorce, everything that transpired during my divorce and each moment after my divorce has been guided by my Higher Power.  Even if I couldn’t understand it at the time, there has always been guidance in my life.

Crisis Addiction

Last week I was looking at taking care of others and myself. This week I’m looking at whether I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis.

 

Then – 4/8/2004

“Journal question – How do I feel when life is going smoothly?  Do I continuously anticipate problems?  Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

 

I hope that I honestly don’t feel more alive in the midst of a crisis.  I’m always searching for ways to have peace.  I hope I’m not kidding myself because ‘Carl’s’ mother is the type of person who lives for a crisis and I don’t want to be anything like her!  I think there’s a big difference between someone who can handle a crisis and someone who looks forward to a crisis in order to feel more important.”

Now – 8/7/11

The addiction to crisis is very real and very powerful.  It goes hand in hand with addiction to drama.  It can suck you in like a drug and is very difficult to detect in yourself.  When I was dealing with the craziest part of my divorce I felt like I had no choice but to deal with each crisis as they arose and stay as calm and rational as possible.  That’s what I tried to do but I wasn’t always successful.

Living with an alcoholic made every minute of every day feel like a crisis just waiting to happen.  Living with the unpredictability of divorce felt the same way.  With the help of Alanon I was able to learn to lean on a Power greater than myself to restore me to sanity and to gradually let go of the white knuckled grip I had every day.  Even when peace had finally come to my home, the sense of dread that spread into my thoughts continued.  I was concerned that I was becoming addicted to crisis because I felt that at least I had a familiar “enemy” to face.  Peace and calm were so foreign that I wasn’t sure that I knew what to do with them.  As the alcoholic is told to attend 90 meetings in 90 days to adhere to sobriety, it took me just as long to recover from crisis and drama addiction and to welcome an addiction free life.

It took awhile but I finally realized that I do not need to accept drama in my life.  I have declared my home a “drama-free zone” and I do whatever is within my control to keep it that way.  In the process some relationships have had to change and some have had to end but one thing has stayed constant – I have choices today and I choose peace, serenity and sanity.

If you’d like more information on coaching with me please visit http://divorceasacatalyst.com/

Taking Care of Yourself First

Last week I was addressing when I say “Yes” but want to say “No”.  This week I’m looking at taking care of others and myself.

 

Then – 4/4/2004

 

“Journal question – Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

 

Yes.  I think most mothers are self sacrificing.  But I do make a point of trying to do things for myself whether it’s taking a nap, going out to dinner with a friend, getting a massage or having my nails done.  I do a lot for the kids, but I’ve never wanted to be one those sacrificial moms who lives and breathes for their kids at the expense of everything else; who walks around disheveled while their kids look impeccable; who doesn’t have any outside interests other than her kids.  I love my kids more than anything but they are not my sole purpose for living.  When all is said and done, they’ll move on to live their own lives and hopefully will be well adjusted adults in the end.

 

Now – 7/31/11

 

My answer to that journal question may not sit well with many people but it was the truth then and is still the truth for me today, seven years later.  A few years back, life coach Cheryl Richardson was on the Oprah Winfrey show discussing self care and was booed by the audience for telling mothers that their self care needed to come first.  The women in the audience who reacted negatively missed her point; the ones shaking their head in agreement with her got it.  She was breaking an age old myth that mothers need to sacrifice everything for the sake of their children or else they are inept caregivers.  She was trying to help mothers by giving them much needed permission to put their own needs first in order to give them the much needed energy to be a great mother.  Some women argued that they got their energy by making their children their complete focus.  The point they missed was that the roles we play can completely blur who we truly are; being a mother is one piece of the pie we call “woman”.  Addressing the other areas of your life doesn’t make you a selfish mother it makes you a balanced woman who is a living, breathing example to her children.

 

I recently wrote an article about this very subject (see http://empoweredchoices.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/put-your-oxygen-mask-on-first) where I discussed that airlines direct you to put your oxygen mask on first before your child because you cannot help anyone until you help yourself first.  This is a great lesson for us all and continues to be an important part of taking care of myself and my children.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts – please comment.

 

If you’d like more information on coaching with me please visit http://divorceasacatalyst.com/

The 3 C’s and a Quick Fix

Last week I was answering about how I respond.  This week I’m applying the 3 C’s and getting honest about whether I’m looking for a quick fix to my problems.

 

Then – 3/8/2004

 

“Journal question –How can I let go of other’s problems instead of trying to solve them?

 

The best way is for me to keep reminding myself that I am responsible only for myself.  I am not responsible for ‘Carl’s’ problems.  I have to keep repeating the 3 C’s – I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Change it, I can’t Cure it.

 

Journal question – Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems?  Is there one?

 

Emotionally, of course I’m looking for a quick fix.  Why would I want to belabor this torture?  But what I do need to focus on and remember is that in the midst of all this chaos ‘If I want peace, be peaceful.  If I want happiness, be happy’.  There is no quick fix.  Everyday I have the choice to wallow in it or not allow it to affect me.”

 

Now – 6/19/11

 

Ahhh….the 3 C’s.  One of the first life lines that I was given in Al-Anon.  At first I thought “Yeah right; I may not have caused it and I know I can’t cure it but if I put my mind to it, I can definitely change it”.  How wrong I was.  Not only are the people affected by someone else’s addiction taught the 3 C’s in Al-Anon but the addict is taught it in AA as well.  ‘Carl’ was VERY adamant for a long time that I caused his addiction.  When he would rage at me about how he felt I was to blame, I held onto the 3 C’s like a life preserver, keeping my head above water while I was being tossed around in the sea of insanity that alcoholism creates.  It often felt like a protective cloak for me because whenever he would start to play the blame game I would put on my cloak, repeat the 3 C’s and remind him that he knew I didn’t cause it.

 

As far as a quick fix, I’ve never been a patient person and at the time I just wanted to go to a few Al-Anon meetings, figure out the secret to getting him sober and move on with my life.  I had no idea that I would need and crave the wisdom of Al-Anon for the rest of my life.  Just the other day there was an argument between ‘Carl’ and I and I applied one Al-Anon tool after another to the situation until I felt at peace again.

 

Divorce doesn’t sever every connection you have with your ex spouse.  It often creates connections that weren’t even there during the marriage, especially when children are involved. Thankfully I was taught there is no quick fix to any difficulty, even divorce, and that I had choices.

 

Next week – Responsibility and shame

How Do I Respond?

Last week I was getting honest about the subjects of change and control.  This week I’m answering about how I respond?

 

Then – 3/6/2004

 

“Journal question –How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want?  How do I respond?

 

I am trying to let go of the need to control everything.  I’m trying to realize that ‘Carl’ is 100% responsible for himself.  However, I still find myself interfering and telling or ‘suggesting’ what to do when it comes to the kids.  In those cases when he is doing something that affects the kids, I have to step in.  They’re too young to speak up for themselves.  He doesn’t see how his words and behaviors affect them, especially ‘Erin’.  I get very annoyed and angry when I see him repeating the same behaviors over and over.  It’s not fair to any of us

 

Now – 6/12/11

 

I laughed out loud when I re-read this journal entry because it really showed how crazy things were at the time.  How did I respond?  One week I was frustrated because ‘Carl’ kept asking me over and over when to feed the kids and this week I was justifying my interfering, telling and suggesting what to do when it comes to the kids.  I can see now how confusing this must have been for him, sober or not.  ‘Carl’ lived in a childhood home with a very controlling and domineering mother so it was natural for him to allow a woman to tell him what to do.  I can see how torn I was at the time, wanting to give up the need to control things, especially ‘Carl’, and the false sense of security I got from pursuing control. 

 

The idea that, in my situation, control could possibly be a negative thing had never crossed my mind until I began to attend Al-Anon meetings.  I was too busy trying to keep everything together to realize that I was becoming part of the problem.  I spent most of my marriage pushing against the controlling nature of my mother-in-law yet I was falling into the same trap.  Thankfully I was becoming ready, willing and able to see a better way and to slowly allow ‘Carl’ to just be ‘Carl’.  By putting the focus on myself I became more of how I was meant to be as well.

 

Next week – The 3 C’s and a quick fix

Change and Control

Last week I was answering whether I have accepted that alcoholism is a disease.  This week I’m getting honest about the subjects of change and control.

 

Then – 3/6/2004

 

“Journal question – Have I tried to change others in my life?  What were the consequences?

 

I have a very strong personality and have a hard time dealing with things not going my way.  I have always been strong willed and stubborn.  I have definitely tried to change ‘Carl’ but I am realizing that it is a futile effort.  He is responsible for himself.  I just have a hard time living with someone who lied to me and whom I do not trust.

 

Journal question – What means have I used to get what I want and need?  What might work better to get my needs met?

 

I do try to control situations to get the results I want.  I will suggest certain things so that ‘Carl’ or anyone else will hopefully follow my suggestion.  I am also very independent and self sufficient.  I will do things for myself before asking for someone’s help.  In order to get my needs met, I should probably delegate more responsibility.   I need to be and feel less responsible for other people’s needs and wants and more responsible for my own.  If I need peace then I should be peaceful.  If I need fun and laughter then I should laugh and have fun.  For too long I have put ‘Carl’s’ needs before mine.  I have let his issues come before my happiness.  I’m always telling the kids ‘If you’re bored it’s because you’re boring’.  Well the same can apply to me; if I’m unhappy it’s because I’m choosing to not be happy.”

 

Now – 6/5/2011

 

Once again answering these questions allowed me to look at my part in my unmanageable situation.  I absolutely tried to change others in my life to mold them into what I wanted them to be.  I absolutely tried to control situations to get the results I wanted.  Boy was that humbling to admit!  I believed that ‘Carl’ was the only liar and manipulator in the relationship, that I was the poor victim and that I only did what was best for everyone else.  Whoa is me!  Then recovery came into my life in the form of Al-Anon.

 

They say that when you are pointing one finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you.  Until I was willing to own my part in things, accept my character defects and own them without justification, I was living in a fantasy world that wouldn’t help me to grow into a mature, empowered woman.

 

I was beginning to come to terms with things in a healthier way and I imagined myself standing up at a recovery meeting and saying “Hello my name is Dawn and I am finally willing to admit that my life has become unmanageable.  I take responsibility for my part in the dysfunction of my life and my marriage.  I humble myself to the fact that I need as much help as the alcoholic with my own disease; the disease of attitudes.”

 

Next week – How Do I Respond?

 

Is It Really a Disease?

Last week I was beginning to answer questions with the help of Al-Anon’s 12 Step recovery program.  This week I am answering whether I have accepted that alcoholism is a disease.

 

Then – 3/4/2004

 

“Al-Anon Journal question – Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?  How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

 

I have a really hard time with this concept of ‘disease’.  A disease is something that you ‘get’ not something you ‘do’ to yourself.  ‘Dr. Brody’ said that maybe it would be easier for me to understand it as a disease that can be controlled; that an alcoholic has control over whether they will succumb to the first drink, but once they give up that control the disease part takes over.  I can pretty much accept that explanation because it does contain the concept of choice in the definition.  Most ‘diseases’ do not give a person a choice; you don’t choose to have cancer one day and not the next day.  An alcoholic does choose to relapse therefore allowing the possibility of the disease to take over.”

 

Now – 5/29/2011

 

At the time I wrote that journal entry I was only just beginning to understand what alcoholism is.  As I’ve said before, I didn’t have alcoholism in my family of origin and I felt totally clueless.  But the most interesting thing happened when ‘Carl’ went to his first rehab facility – I talked to him about what I should say to people when they asked where he is.  He told me to tell them the truth.  The interesting thing is that every person who knew ‘Carl’ for the past few years and also had alcoholism in their family knew he was an alcoholic, without fail, and were surprised that I didn’t know.  Yet every person who knew ‘Carl’ and didn’t have alcoholism in their family was as shocked as I was.

 

I kept hearing in meetings that alcoholism was a disease which made me want to scream “Stop giving them an excuse!”  However today I have a much better understanding of alcoholism and I have much more compassion for the people dealing with this addiction.  I don’t pretend to know why ‘Carl’ became an alcoholic but I also cannot risk denying that it’s hereditary.  I have two teenage children who will eventually be the adult children of an alcoholic and I am concerned for them.  Have they inherited the disease?  Will their experience as children stop them from falling to peer pressure or make them more knowledgeable?  Will this generation of children being raised by parents that attended recovery programs have a better chance of breaking the cycle?

 

Time will tell.

 

Next week – Change and control

Step One

Last week things were pleasant and I hoped that they would continue.  This week I’m beginning to answer questions with the help of Al-Anon’s 12 Step recovery program.

Then – 3/2/2004

“Journal question – Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking?  Another person’s behavior?

I do accept that I cannot control ‘Carl’s’ drinking but that doesn’t mean that I like it or that I’m at peace with it yet.  His behavior still has an affect on me; if he’s upbeat I wonder what’s going on; if he’s down I wonder what I did now or what’s bothering him.  I need to keep repeating the 3 C’s to myself:

                   I didn’t cause it

                   I can’t control it

                   I can’t cure it

Journal question – How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

I think I still have a hard time removing myself from the equation.  It’s hard to stop wondering why he’s in the mood he’s in and if it has to do with me;  stop worrying about how he’s behaving and look at myself to see how I’m behaving.  Am I being true to myself?  Am I letting someone else affect my behavior, thoughts and feelings?  It doesn’t mean that I do not have compassion for anyone; it should mean that I have no control over the good or bad that is going on with them.”

Now – 5/22/2011

It’s amazing how the universe sends you a message through various people and each time you ignore the message, someone else shows up to repeat it.  People had mentioned that I should go to Al-Anon and my answer was “He should be going to meetings, not me.  I don’t have a problem other than his problem.”  So I fought the idea, assumed that I was smart enough to figure this all out on my own and ignored every suggestion.  Then my therapist mentioned Al-Anon and my mother and a friend and……so eventually I went to my first meeting to shut everyone up.  7 years later I can say that the program saved my life.

Answering those questions in my journal was the beginning of learning to keep the focus on myself, the end of my role as a victim and the end of my belief that I could handle everything on my own.  If I was answering a question about what I believed or thought or felt, I wasn’t totally focused on him….ah ha!

I was slowly admitting to myself that my life had become unmanageable and I was willing to take a look at what worked for other people in similar situations.

Next week – Is it really a disease?

I Hope It Continues

Last week I had the conversation I had no intention of having.  This week things are pleasant and I hope it continues.

Then – 2/25/2004

“Things have actually been pleasant.  I can see him appreciating the kids so much more.  He’s giving them hugs, telling them he loves them, playing games with them.  I hope it continues for their sake.  I’m just leery because for the 2 weeks after he came home (he spent two weeks at his mother’s house when I found out his secret), he was upbeat also and then gradually he went down hill all over again.  Hopefully now he sees that we should be concentrating on raising the kids in the best environment possible.  They don’t need the stress, tension, fighting or the excuses about why Daddy seems upset or is falling asleep a lot.  I think this is in the best interest of the kids and I’m willing to put my feelings aside to provide them with stability.  The big question is whether he can do this without any expectations from me?”

Now – 5/15/2011

I was looking for any ray of hope that I could keep the family intact for the sake of the kids, putting my feelings and needs aside.  There had been so many dark days that it never felt like there would be anything positive to be happy about.  Reading that journal entry now, it might seem like I was always seeing things in a negative light, afraid that this moment of pleasantness was fleeting but based on my experiences for many years, bracing myself was how I learned how to cope.  My coping skills kept me going day by day and only in retrospect can I see that they didn’t always serve me well. 

I didn’t have alcoholism in my family of origin so I honestly had no idea what I was dealing with.  Were the ups and downs normal?  Was his behavior an indication of drinking?  Was it normal to ignore the feelings of doom?  Thankfully I began attending Al-Anon meetings around this time and began to make sense of the ripple effects of alcoholism on everyone’s lives.  As most people do, I went to my first meeting to find out what the secret was to dealing with an alcoholic and found out that I wasn’t supposed to be focusing on him at all. 

Next week – Step One